It’s funny as I watch the Seasons pass, one to the other, how fast time moves the older I get.
I have been in a deep slumber here at sarcoidan.com since the New Year began. Almost 3 months have passed since I last wrote a blog post. How is that possible? Where did that time go? I think I was just simply worn out! I had nothing left in me. Nothing more to say. As this latest season of Winter SLOWLY moves on to Spring, so, I think, does a new Season in my life. My illness has almost come full circle. It is now entering into the only season it has not yet seen…..SPRING. With that I feel a rush of assertion. I feel challenged. Challenged to move to the other side of this thing…..wherever that may be. That may prove to be a real test of my abilities actually as though I have experienced improvements illness wise, I am undauntedly faced with continuing trials.
Pain and fatigue. Real pain is a very “real” part of my every day life these days. In turn, this leads to extreme fatigue. This is something that is difficult if not impossible to articulate fully. I am not so much “sleepy” as I am just plain worn out. (although there are some stretches where I can sleep 15 hours straight or more. I know crazy!) There are some moments I am almost unable to move. It hits me from out of nowhere. Getting off the couch or out of bed some days is beyond my comprehension. The very thought of it can send me into tears. Then there are those moments where all is well with the world and my body does everything I want it to. The problem is I never know which “me” is going to show up when.
However, no one is going to change that reality for me. It is up to me. I somehow have to find a way to make those moments where everything seems to work, happen more often than the moments where they don’t. I am at the point now where I say “Let’s do this” already! Let’s make it happen. I do not know how yet but somehow I am determined to get there. I know I may never be the person I was before but that makes me even more determined to become the best NEW me I can be!
Bring it on! Challenge accepted! I am determined to make this my time. I need to hit it straight on. Accept no failure. I know I can not charge ahead with too much force at first. I have to start slow and gain momentum. I do not want to burn myself out. I have spent far too much time however letting this disease dictate to me which course it was going to take. It is my turn to take the reins. I’m running the show from now on. It is my time! My time to succeed. My time, for “My Season of Change!”