When I was growing up, my mother was one of the people I could consistantly turn to with whatever issues of the day I would be facing. She was always there. Always a “safe place” for me to land and I knew I could always count on her for some good solid supportive, loving and understanding direction. One of the things she invariably used to say to me was “One day at a time, my son, One day at a time.” I find myself asserting this same phrase over and over again to others who are faced with whatever issues of the day they are facing.
Since being diagnosed with Sarcoidosis, however, I have had the need to modify this statement slightly. Unlike my mother, even though it is always there, Sarcoidosis is hardly loving, supportive or understanding. It is definitely NOT a soft place to land. It is instead, unreliable, lonely, debilitating, scary and completely unpredictable. I never know how I am going to feel from one moment to the next. Instead of one day at a time, my life has become “One day, one hour, one minute at a time.” I’ve had days that have started off hopeful and clear only to end up a few hours later to painful, exhausted and confusing. This can be a challenging way to live to say the least.
It is hard and it can be almost too much to manage some days. However, it can be managed. I’m still learning how to do this but I know it can be done. There is no logic in looking back to get a glimpse at everything you used to be able to do. Likewise, there is no rationale in looking too far ahead in anticipation of what you might be able to do either. Like I said, some days it just isn’t possible to see to the next moment. This is when you simply must reach down inside of yourself and draw to the surface what lies deep within you.
I was reading a blog today that I’ve been following from “lisasretro” at http://lovemylifeanyway.wordpress.com/2014/11/23/acceptance-of-a-chronic-illness/Her post was on the stages of accepting chronic illness. I believe I am teetering between the final 2 stages which are “Grief” and “Acceptance.” I believe I have started to accept where I am. However, I know I am still grieving the loss of where I used to be.
Sometimes I don’t really feel like trying to get beyond the grief stage. I guess that would mean “I really have it.” How silly is that? Intellectually, I know I have Sarcoidosis but emotionally, I still do not want to fully embrace the truth of it all. But I know I will…..eventually, with God’s help. “One day, one hour, one minute at a time.”